SNOWPOCALYPSE, The Epic Tale of How I Survived and Lived to Tell the Story

     Whether you want to call it DEATH STORM, SNOWPOCALYPSE, STORMAGEDON,snOMG, or SNOW MAMA yesterdays storm was pretty epic.  The weather people were all over the place trying to predict how much snow we were going to get from this storm.  I heard any where from 9 to 20 inches and possibly 2 feet.  Even Hampton's Chief Meteorologist Courtney Hamilton deployed sophisticated scientific equipment (a stick I pounded into the ground and tied a string to) to get an accurate measurement of the amount of snow we would get.  This storm was going to be a doosy and school and event closing alerts were being broadcasted on the main stream media, everything was closing, except for one place.  The I-Wireless was hosting a concert of epic proportion with 4 bands I have never heard of.  There was Avenged Angel Dust, Sour Grapes, Undead something and Gort, or I at least think that was their names, and not even a storm with the potential to kill people was going to stop them from playing to their masses of future Darwin Award winners who traveled from as far as Dubuque and Waterloo.  The reason I am mentioning the I-Wireless Center is because last week I had signed up to work overtime there as EMS not knowing of the imminent wrath of God heading our way.  The day of the concert I am expecting for this to be cancelled but no, the show must go on so as the storm is beginning I'm heading into town.  The concert lasts until 11 pm and the masses of drunken heavy metalers hit the road at the point when the storm was at its worst.  Its at this point that I thank God for 4 wheel drive because as I drove home I pass several eco friendly granola mobiles stuck in the snow, its hard to save on gas when you aren't moving, he he he.

     The next day I get up to find 17 inches of snow covering the front yard and driveway of my home according to the sophisticated weather equipment deployed the day before, but the most suprising thing was nothing was done.  There were no celebrities cleaning up the mess, no benifit concert led by Bono to raise relief money for me and my family, the U.N. wasn't there to fuck up providing aid to me nor was ther a billion dollar check in my mail box from the Government to help me get back on my feet. I had heard that the National Guard was at the Hampton Fire Station and was wondering why they weren't mobalized in my driveway, so I called Mayor Kevin Irby of Hampton to find out what the hell was going on and he immediately hung up on me.  My next course of action was to call my friend and Congressman, Bobby Schilling to find out where my billion dollar check was but then realized I had voted for him so he would go to Washington to stop the Government from sending out large checks for stupid reasons.  So I was forced to do it myself, with shovel in hand I blazed a trail to the driveway and started clearing the snow and then came my neighbor Larry and his trusty snow blower.  Within an hour we were able to clear the driveway without the help of Brad Pitt, Bono or Angelina Jolie or Jessica Alba naked with a snow shovels.

    So let the harrowing tale of my survival be told to the world and never rely on Bono, the U.N. or the Government to do anything, if you want it done right, do it yourself.

False Advertising

    It seems that now a days everything is too good to be true.   Nothing lives up to it's advertising, I remember when products were built to last, hell it was't 4 years ago I was watching tv on my grandma's old tv, which was damn near as old as me.  Now you can't get a tv that will last longer than a year with out it breaking.  I have yet to find anything made these days that will live up to it's claims or last longer than a year without having to be repaired. That brings me to the subject of this story.

    I have once written before that there are 2 guarantees when I wake up. 1. I will drink a shit load of coffee which leads to 2. which happens to be dropping a number 2.  So after a hard nights work and having my coffee then dropping that duece I am usually a hungry boy.  Now to set the picture I am 6 foot, 235 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal and I can eat. so when I got home from work and hungry I need food right stat now, so I went into the freezer and found these

The little kid macking down on these bad boys looks pretty happy and there are 24 of these delectable sausage goodies wrapped in biscuit glory and the best part was that it only took 40 seconds to cook them, How could this any better you ask?  Then I opened the box and this is what i found.                                                                                                                  

WHAT THE FUCK!  These wouldn't even fill up a midget.  I had to eat 8 of these things to stop feeling hungry, thats 1/3 of the box.  I don't know who they were marketing these for but I can tell you it wasn't the average American male between the age of 2 and 102.  I think a starving Ethiopian would be pissed if someone gave him one of these.  Wars have been declared for less insult than these things.  I'm not saying they weren't any good, I ate 8 of them for Christ sakes, but come on, the serving size was idiotic.  We used to be the country that made the best shit now it seems thats all we make is shit. 

An Open Letter to Packer Fans, Amended

     After watching the events of this weekend unfold and seeing by beloved Bears get beaten by your Packers, and looking back on all the shit talking I did leading up to yesterdays game I feel there comes a time in a man's life where he must take a big bite out of that humble pie and admit he was wrong.  That man must take the high road and be gracious in defeat and congratulate you on a well deserved victory.
     Well douchebags, this is neither that time or place and I am not that man.  You still suck and the Packers still suck. I hope the Steelers beat the Packers like a rented mule.

An Open Letter to Packer Fans

         Dear fumunda cheeseheads, this Sunday will be the first time since December 14, 1941 that the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Fudge Packers have met in a playoff game, in which the Bears beat the Packers 33-14.  Think about it, that was 7 days after Pearl Harbor was attacked that they last met in post season.  Alot has changed since then but one thing has not, how annoying you are and how much the Packers suck!  Thats right, the Packers SUCK!  That is not just my opinion but fact (I believe it is in the Bible some where).  Think about it, when there are tornados people flock to Lambeau Field because ther are no touch downs there and when the police are looking for abused children they go to Lambeau Field because the Packers don't beat anyone.  But don't take my word for it, look at who your number 1 fan is.  But if you are thinking that I am insulting your 3rd grade education by making fun of you losers I can let the facts speak for  themselves. 

                                       

                    The first time the Bears played the Packers was November 27, 1921 in which the Bears beat the Packers 20-0.  Impressive you say, not quite, in 182 meetings the Bears have beaten the Packers 92 times and the Packers have beaten the Bears 83.  The biggest ass whooping the Bears landed on the Packers was on December 7, 1980 where the Bears schelacked the Packers 61-7.  Thats what I call an ass whooping.  Not to be out done if you Google insulting the Green Bay Packers you get 3,080,000 results compaired to insulting the Chicago Bears where you only get 294,000 results.  That leads me to believe that people really hate the Packers.

I guess the one thing that really makes me sick is the fact that as an Illinois resident I have to see you cromagnoid idiots wandering around aimlessly with your green and yellow shit attire and that stupid block of cheese on your heads.  You know what that cheese block looks like, a yellow vagina, which is what the Packers are, big vaginas.  Even your patron saint Brett Favre couldn't take the smell any more and had to leave.  So take it from me, come Sunday when the National Weather Service issues a flash flood warning because of all the tears from Packers fans crying because of the beating they just took, just remember one thing, you are losers, always have been and always will be.   GO BEARS!!!!!

Computers and the Internet Suck

     I spent most of my day trying to figure this AdSense thing out.  I made some postings on and AdSense Forum to try and get some help.  The first post was out of frustration, the update was done with the help of some beer. Enjoy:
    
YouTube invited me to be a partner for 1 of my videos. I needed an AdSense account to do so. In order to open an account I needed a website so I created a blog and an AdSense account. I went back on YouTube to finsh the process & the instructions said for existing AdSense accounts you need to copy the AdSense code the paste it to the website. Where on YouTube am I supposed to paste the copied code?

Update:

Ok, let me rephrase this, Youtube invited me to put adsense on a video I created and posted. After spending nearly a month of bashing my head against a wall trying to create an adsense account I was able to do so. I don't speak computerese and my expertise is limited to turning the stupid thing on and getting on the internet.  I don't know what a htlm or a url is nor do I know what channels are.  My question is simple, could someone out there in computerland please explain to me in the simplest of terms how I can get this adsense thingy onto the video I created which currently resides on youtube? I followed all of the instructions in the adsense help place and all it did was run me in circles and lead me to dark and scary places and youtube's help thingy doesn't even work.  You folks are my only hope, don't let me down. Mahalo plenty

Morons on Parade

     By now everyone has seen the video of the woman in the mall walking and texting then falling into the fountain.  The woman was found and interviewed by the news to get her side of what had happened and in the interview said that she didn't know why it was such a big deal, all she did was fall.  Really?  Right off the top of my head I can think of several reasons it was a big deal.
     First, YOU WALKED INTO AND FELL INTO A FOUNTAIN!  It wasn't like this was pitch black and in the middle of the night and some hoolagins snuck in ahead of you and placed a fountain in your path, it was day time and brighter than hell.  I think Mr. Magoo could have seen that fountain (bonus points for the kids who know who Mr. Magoo is).
     Second, you said you didn't know what the big deal was yet you and your husband have already retained a lawyer to see what legal actions you can take.
     Third, if I were a betting man, which I am, I would bet that walking and texting aren't the only thing you do texting.  I couldn't imagine the damage you would cause if you drive and text because by looking at the video you can't even walk and text.
     I have seen some pretty moronic stuff people have done while driving.  Everything from texting to putting on make up, shaving and I even saw one woman eating a bowl of cereal.  I would think that if you can't master the art of walking you probably shouldn't try walking and texting. 
     This woman was upset because she thinks that security should have come to her aid, even though she immediately got out of the fountain, looked around to see if anyone saw her then took off, so unless she wanted them to follow her home I don't know what else they could have done. 
     People, if you don't want to become the laughing stock of the country then stop doing stupid things in public, then again forget what I just said and continue to do stupid things so we can continue to laugh at you.

The Blame Game, Fighting Idiocracy with Idiocracy

     I find it absolutely amazing that within hours after the shooting in Tuscon that Sarah Palin and talk radio were blamed for the shooting.  Nothing was known about the shooter, his politics or motives, but because it was a democrat who was shot it had to be a right-wing nut job who got his marching orders from Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Mark Levin and Sean Hannity.  The idiot sheriff gets on tv and starts to blame everyone on the right for what had happened, followed up by several democrats, the dipshits on MSNBC, the New York Times and every other left wing lunatic.  Then we come to find out the identity of the shooter and a bigger picture starts to emerge.  Instead of a right-wing, militia, Sarah Palin worshiper we have a pot smoking, skull worshiping, atheist who reads Mein Kampf ( I think thats how you spell Kampf), the communist manifesto and Animal Farm.  Boy, that sounds like a right-winger to me.  Now with all the facts coming out you would think that we would hear an appology?  Hell no, the idiots continue their attacks on Sarah Palin and talk radio.  Then comes the President who tells the country we need civilty.  Really? The same guy who quoted The Untouchables when refering to the Republicans by saying " if they bring a knife, we bring a gun" and during the last election telling people at a rally that "we must punish our enemies" not to mention, because liberal media will never mention that Democrats have used "bulls eyes" on Republicans long before Sarah Palin did.
     With this said I feel that if the left is going to blame the right for the most idiotic things then I will do the same for items I feel that the left should be held accoutable for:
     My back pain, Dora the Explorer, Justin Bieber, Jersey Shore, slow drivers, snuggies, chia pets, reality tv, the Green Bay Packers, allowing MTV to be on the air even though they don't play any music videos, those annoying commercials for the lawyers who sue every medication maker, customer service representatives from foreign countries who can't speak English and you spend the next hour trying to figure out what the hell they just said, taffy, light beer, fat chicks in halter tops and Daisy Dukes, kids with mohawks, turkey bacon, cough syrup that doesn't work, people who say riiiiiiiiight, chefs who "deconstruct" their foods, Vince from the SHAM WOW commercials.
     Pretty stupid isn't it?
(For those who are easily offended, take it easy, this was meant to be funny)